To Lose Someone
by Erasera
Summary: Based on a true story. This story deals with a death and will get a little emotional in later chapters. Squall will be going through a lot and will be OOC. R&R please!
1. The news

**To Lose Someone**

_By: Virulent Enmity_

**Author's Rambles:** THIS FIC HAS BEEN EDITED! This story will be in Squall's POV. I wrote this story because my family is in the same position. What was lost was very dear to our hearts and will be terribly missed. This is dedicated to anyone else who has lost something precious at one time or another.

Even though this will become a little emotional, I hope you will be able to deal with it and understand what Squall is going through. So with that being said, read on!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story. They belong to Square-Enix.

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**_Chapter 1_** - **_The News_**

I was sitting in the cafeteria, poking a half-eaten hot dog with a plastic fork. I was mind-numbingly bored, and the fact that I was alone didn't help. All I wanted was for this day to be over. Odd, today has been going like any other day, but something just doesn't feel right…

I got up from the chair and decided to head up to my office. I had paperwork _up-the-ass_ to do, so I might as well pass my time with that. Besides, everyone else was out doing something for Cid, so I didn't have anyone to hang around with.

Before I realized it, I was already on the elevator going up to the third floor. I walked down the hall with my hands in my pockets, still pondering why my intuition had been telling me that something bad is bound to happen today. I just can't ignore it, and I'd been thinking about it all day.

I arrived at my office shortly and with a heavy sigh, I turned the cold metal doorknob. I had been hoping the huge stack of papers had somehow _magically_ disappeared. **Un**fortunately for me, things never turn out that way. I looked over towards the large picture window and caught a glimpse of the clock on the wall right above it.

_'5:30. Great! Here it is, a nice Friday evening and where am I? Stuck in a hot-ass office doing paperwork! Bullshit!'_ My mind practically shouted.

I was already pissed that I had been alone all day. Sure, I _used _to like being alone, but now I'm starting to enjoy people's company, thanks t Rin's constant nagging - Hyne, that didn't come out right. I finally learned how to have a good time, I guess. To enjoy things. My friends still say that I act a little isolated sometimes, but they can tell I like having them around. It helps me to relax; being with them. Something I _should_ be doing right now, but…I was probably going to be doing these papers all night.

_'I should get started then.'_

I was about to sit down when an announcement was made, and it was Cid who spoke. I think he called for me...

"Squall, please report to my office immediately."

_'Oh no…please don't pile anymore work on me. Hyne, have mercy! I have enough on my plate as is!'_ I thought, but something about the way he called me meant that it was something very important. There was a type of seriousness in his voice that could easily be detected.

I went back over to the door I'd just entered not too long ago and left again. It didn't take long at all to reach Cid's office, considering it was right down the hall from my own. When I opened the large double doors, I saw him standing by his desk, looking down at nothing in particular. I walked over to the mahogany-colored desk and followed military protocal; saluted.

"Sir!"

…It's like he didn't even hear me at all. He didn't move a muscle. _Why was he so tense?_

"Sir? You called for me…" I spoke as I took my hand down.

"You may want to sit down," he said in an unusual voice, almost sounding...hurt. My eyes narrowed a little as I sat down.

"Sir?" I asked cautiously, still unsure of his behavior.

"We've just received word from the Estharian Presidential Palace. They said that the president of Esthar is…" he trailed off suddenly.

I didn't like the direction this was going in. Cid was never one to hesitate when it came to such matters. Something must really be wrong.

I remained silent and waited for him to continue.

"Laguna…is in the hospital, and his condition is severe, maybe even fatal. The doctors have yet to determine the cause and they are still looking into it. They say he may not even last the night."

After that, I heard nothing. It's like my mind went blank, and I felt my heart drop like a weight in my chest quickly. I couldn't believe the feelings that were erupting inside of me. I tried my best to maintain my composure, but it was **damn **hard. My facial expression remained indifferent, and I acted as calmly as I could.

Cid was still looking at me with sympathy written all over his face.

"You may have the rest of the day off to visit your father. You can take the Ragnarok when the others return. Send my best to Laguna...You are dismissed…" he said with a tinge of sadness still lingering in his voice.

"Thank you, sir," I nodded and headed for the door.

"Squall…"

I turned around slightly.

"Are you going to be okay, son?"

"Thank you for your concern, sir, but I'm fine." My response was unimaginably weak. What the hell?

I walked out of the office without looking back and headed dorm. I just couldn't deal with anything else right then.

I rode the elevator down and began (what seemed to be) the long walk around the circular hallway. Every face I saw looked at me with a look of sympathy. _Did they know? _Word must have gotten around by now, and it was no secret that Laguna was indeed my father. As I passed cadets and junior classmen, I heard a lot of "Is the president going to be okay?" and "Are you okay?" I was getting really annoyed and it was reflecting in my voice when I responded. _I just couldn't be fucked to worry about my behavior. _

After walking for what seemed like forever, I got to my room, went in, and headed straight to the bed. I sat down and tried to organize my thoughts and feelings. Part of me wanted to see Laguna, to know how he was doing. I was worried and wanted to know if he was going to be all right.

The other part of me was screaming for me not to care and act like some kind of rebellious child. Not going to see him because he wasn't in my life for any of my eighteen years on the planet. Why should I see him now? He didn't care enough then, why should I care now? Why _do_ I care now? Why does it _hurt_?

_Why should I even care?_

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Breathing out a bit heavily in frustration, I got up and opened the door.

(**TBC!**)

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**Author's Rambles:** I know this was short and I don't think the chapters will get much longer than this. Thank you to everyone who sent their condolences. Thank you very much!

Hm, seems Squall was being a little irrational around the end. Getting carried away, you think? Hope he didn't seem to be shifty in moods. Well, anyway, stick around for more!

Review, review.


	2. Away from me

**To Lose Someone**

_By: Virulent Enmity_

**Author's Rambles:** Sorry it took so long to put up the next chapter but there were some err...technical difficulties. Those of you who wanted me to update, here ya go! Hopefully, the same thing won't happen with chapter 3...

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story. They all belong to Square-Enix.

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_**Chapter 2: Away From Me**_

I stood up and walked over to the door. I turned the knob and opened it to reveal Selphie, panting heavily, bent down with her hands on her knees.

"We're back! We heard about Laguna. I'm sorry, Squall..."

"It's okay. I'll be ready in a minute." I said, my brows displaying an unconscious frown.

She looked at me for a moment, her jade eyes reflecting emotions I wasn't used to seeing from them.

"I'll get the Rag ready for take off," She said as she took a few steps back. She gave me a small smile and headed down the corridor.

I closed the door, retrieved my jacket from the bed, and left out a few minutes later. I left the dormitories quickly and got on the Rag before anyone decided to stop me and talk. Mostly, it would be them talking and me 'listening'; something I didn't have time for at the moment.

The ride to Esthar wasn't long, but it was unusually quiet. Selphie didn't come up with a topic of discussion that she thought was interesting and expect me to speak on it like she would have done had she been in her usual chipper mood. Laguna being in the hospital must really be getting to her...

I was sitting in the seat next to Selphie, slouched back, leaning my head back in thought until the city of Esthar came into view. Keeping my gaze in front of me, I leaned forward as we closed in on the city.

When we arrived and landed in the air station, we were greeted by Kiros. He heard that we were on our way and decided to take us to where Laguna was being treated. I asked about Laguna's current condition and he told me that it hadn't gotten any better.

"They highly doubt that he'll pull through. I'm sorry, Squall," He told me in a soft voice.

Even though this was my second time hearing that, I was still overcome with emotions. Something inside of me wouldn't let me react the way I wanted to...

The walk to the hospital was relatively short and finding Laguna was easy considering that Kiros had already visited him before Selphie and I came.

I opened the door to his room slowly, the hinges protested by creaking with every slight crack of the door. I walked in and Selphie followed closely behind, peaking her head around my shoulder, looking towards where Laguna lie.

From the looks of it, there was nothing wrong with his external appearance, and right now, he seemed to be sleeping. I took a few uneasy steps forward as Selphie closed the door behind us. She whispered his name a little too loudly, and his eyes opened slowly, looking over in our direction. He smiled weakly and as soon as he did, he began coughing. I wanted to run over to him; pat him on the back, or at least ask if he was all right. No matter how much I wanted to do these things, I wouldn't budge. It was like some unknown force was keeping me from moving; something holding me back...

Unknown? I knew exactly what the hell this 'unknown' force was...

My own insecurity! My own uncertainty! My own anxiety! Just... ME! I was holding myself back, and I wouldn't even free the caring side of me for my own father!

His breathing was returning back to normal again, so I got the closest chair and positioned it on the side of Laguna's bed so that it was facing him. He turned his gaze toward us once again.

"Hi, Sir Laguna!" Selphie chimed. She must have been trying to make him feel better by displaying her usual optimistic cheerfulness as she called him by the name only she would use. He smiled at her.

"Hi, Selphie," he said in an odd voice as she gave him a tight hug.

"I'm glad to see you both," he spoke as she released him.

"Yeah, we had to..." Once the words left my mouth, I realized how utterly cruel they must have sounded. As if visiting my own father on his possible death bed had been more of an order rather than a choice...

"Squall, can I talk to you...alone, if you don't mind Selphie," his voice sounding a little strained.

"No problemo! You'd just better get well soon!" she exclaimed as she pointed a slender finger at Laguna. "I'll head back okay. Buh-bye!" she waved as she walked out the door.

I looked back over to him as the door closed.

"I'm sorry about--"

"It's okay. I understand." I just looked at him in silence as he continued.

"You don't really know how to react to what's happening; how to react to me," cough "I don't blame you though, if you don't care about what happens to me..."

His words were cutting me like a sharp knife and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Laguna..." was all I could manage. I felt so pathetic!

"No, it's my fault. I should have come back when I found out what happened to Raine. I should have gotten you before you were sent off to the orphanage. I should have been there for you. I should have been in your life!" His heart rate was increasing and his breathing became labored.

"Laguna, you didn't know."

"I should have known! You and Raine are my family..."

"And so is Ellone. That's why you rescued her from that laboratory, because you cared. You didn't want her to fall victim to Odine's experimentation. You didn't find out about me until you were near the end of your search for her. There was nothing you could have done at the time. Don't be so hard on yourself...I don't blame you."

He closed his eyes tightly and I even felt my own begin to water. He thought I blamed him for everything wrong in my life. He might have believed that I hated him. Maybe...he thinks I despise him...

I wish he knew the truth...

Before I could even open my mouth to provide him with any kind of verbal comfort, the door opened and in walked a nurse who was holding a clipboard close to her chest. She walked over to the machines that Laguna was hooked up to and began inspecting them. Occasionally, she would take a few notes.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Loire?" she asked during her observations.

"I'm feelin' fine! A little cough every now and then. That's about it." he said with a strange confidence in his voice. Even though he tried to make out like he was doing okay, he broke out in a coughing fit. She sat her clipboard down and quickly rushed over to him, adjusting his pillows.

"Mr. Loire, you should really get some rest. It's for your own good." He nodded in response.

She looked over at me for a few moments and she retrieved her clipboard then left.

I looked back over to Laguna and his eyes were now closed, obeying what the nurse had told him barely seconds ago. I leaned back in the seat and took a few deep breaths. Today had been so tiring…All I wanted was some rest…

I glanced over at the clock.

_'7:10.'_

I felt my own eyes close, and before I knew it, I was out like a light.

I was awoken by a repetitive beeping somewhere nearby. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock yet again. Only fifteen minutes had passed.

My eyes narrowed and searched the room for the source of the unbearable noise. When my eyes feel upon Laguna, my stomach churned.

His eyes were wide and his gaze was on the ceiling. His skin was a sickly pale color and none of his limbs were moving. His chest was heaving wildly as his fist clutched the sheets tighter with every intake of air. His grip was so firm that there was even a dent in the mattress. The sight was truly horrific...

I tried to rise to my feet and help him when the door to his room flew open, doctors and nurses running in like a stampede of wild animals. I was still trying to go to Laguna but I was being dragged away. No matter how much I fought against them, my efforts were to no avail. I was screaming his name, hoping that he could hear me and know that I was still there...

I was soon out in the hall and someone was standing over me, saying something that I couldn't make out. I couldn't possibly comprehend a damn thing. Soon though, he left me in the hall and went back into Laguna's room, closing the door. I turned the knob desperately, trying my best to get through and it never opened. I finally gave up after several attempts and sat down in the closet seat to his room.

Time had passed. Exactly how much, I can't say. As soon as I got up to yet again, try to pry open the door, it opened and a doctor walked out and faced me.

"Mister Leonhart..."

"Yes?" I asked, my voice was filled with worry.

"I regret to inform you that...Mister Loire didn't pull through," I turned away. "Despite our attempts to resurrect him, he never came to...I'm sorry..." He looked at me for a while, waiting for a response but there was none. He walked down the hall leaving me in my silence.

How can he not be resurrected?

I don't believe it!

I won't believe it!

He can't possibly be...dead...

(**TBC!**)

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**Author's Rambles:** I know this isn't the Squall we all know, but I wanted his reaction to things to be hesitant and uncertain. I didn't want him to be all calm and cool about everything. He never wanted to be alone and that was one of his greatest fears. That is the main reason for his panic, though I didn't directly state that. I hope all of you enjoyed it! Please review! 


	3. Gone

**To Lose Someone**

_By: Virulent Enmity_

**Author's Rambles: **What's up my lovely readers? It's getting close to ending. Hope you like it. Been having a few problems here and there, but it's all worked out.

Sorry to have Squall describing things all weird and stuff. I guess I might have put a little too much of myself into him, sorry about that. Hopefully, you can endure a few more chapters of it.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story. They belong to Square- Enix.

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**_Chapter 3 -Gone_  
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I walked out of the hospital still in shock. My muscles were so tense that my entire body felt numb. My mind was cluttered yet completely blank at the same time. I didn't know what to do...

Walking down the somewhat empty streets of Esthar, I kept my gaze forward, not knowing what to feel. I wanted to see Laguna. There was so much I wanted to tell him; so much he deserved to know...I kept scolding myself, hating the fact that I showed absolutely NO sensitivity, not only today, but since I have known that we're related by blood. He was always so kind to my friends and I, doing all that he could for us, and I wouldn't even spare him the time of day. I couldn't apologize for my rudeness nor could I ever see him ever again...

I boarded the Ragnarok in the station, heading straight for the cabin. I sat in one of the seats in the middle row, resting my head in my hands still hating the uncaring person I had become.

The ride was fast as I had hoped for it to be. Before I even had the chance to stand up-right, Selphie rushed into the cabin at almost full-speed. I just knew what she was going to ask.

"How is Laguna? Will he be okay?" she asked, her voice was full of so much hope...I knew that what I was going to tell her would shatter it all like plate glass...

"Selphie...Laguna's dead." I spoke regretfully. Her features fell like a lead weight. I could almost feel her heart sink as I said that last word.

"Oh my Hyne...Squall, I'm so sorry!" she wrapped her arms around me tightly. I could feel her tears staining my t-shirt as I returned the embrace.

"I'll go Cid of Laguna's passing. You should go get some rest..." she spoke as she wiped her face as best she could as she released me.

"Will you be okay?"

I nodded in response.

I left the cabin shortly and walked back to my room. I closed the door behind me and walked over to the window. It was cracked which allowed air to circulate through my room, an oddly calming sensation. I looked through the blinds, squinting as the sun shone through brightly. The view was depressing. The sky reflected my current mood; dark gray clouds blanketed the usually blue skies around these parts (Note: Balamb Island). The winds picked up, leaves were swaying helplessly with the strong gusts. Then the rain began to fall, its pace fluctuating from time to time. I took a few steps away. The weather had changed drastically since I set off for Esthar.

Could Nature be crying for me? Could she possibly feel my pain?

Impossible! I thought shaking my head at how ridiculous it sounded. Everything was so unclear to me now.

Would I miss him?

Am I missing him _now_?

Why does it hurt so much when I never seemed to give two bits of a damn before?

Why do I care?

Why, why, _WHY!_

So many questions remain unanswered. So many things I don't understand.

The frustration was building inside. I hated not understanding!

I felt warm liquid fall down onto the palm of my hand. I was crying. I hadn't cried in almost ten years, so the feeling was unusual. A quiet sob escaped me before I could even stop myself. _Why does it hurt so bad?  
_  
There was a knock at the door and I didn't even bother to reply. It opened shortly and Rinoa took a slow step inside.

"Squall..." she called out to me.

I turned my face toward her, my cheeks still streaked with tears that had fallen. She looked directly into my eyes, her own softening as she stepped towards me. She wrapped her arms around me willingly.

"Rinoa, he's...he's..." I choked.

"Shh...I know. It's okay." She whispered into my ear, rubbing soothing circles into my back.

I felt so weak and ashamed, crying to her like a baby. I was so embarrassed, but she told me that it was alright. It was natural for me to react like this when in all actuality, it wasn't. Not for me...

Then, I thought about her...

I wonder how Sis is taking this...

"Does Ellone know?"

"Yes. She called not too long ago and wanted to speak with you but you weren't here. She said she wanted to discuss the plans for the funeral with you."

"How is she taking it?"

"She's been crying all day. She really misses him...We all do."

I sighed. We all had to deal with someone dying in the past. Now it was just so...unexpected.

"Squall, you really should rest. I'll come check on you later, okay."

I nodded as I wiped my face. She turned and walked out the door, leaving me there. I didn't even know if I wanted to be alone right now. I was so confused...

The door closed and I laid down in the bed, my eyes almost burning a hole in the ceiling with my heavy gaze.

I had just begun to warm up to Laguna when he gets taken away from me. Am I that horrible? Do I deserve this? Is this punishment for something?

_I just don't understand_.

Everyone does leave. It's inevitable. Nothing we can say or do will change that. No matter how much I want to believe that all of us will always be together, its just not true.

"Will you leave me, too, Rin?" I spoke aloud.

Am I meant to be miserable and alone..._forever_?

I clenched my eyes closed tightly, trying to dismiss the thought.

_I don't want to be alone..._

Turing over and facing the wall, I closed my eyes and just wanted to stop feeling. Stop being...

(**TBC!**)

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**Author's Rambles:** I know this extremely short I just wanted some reviews so even posting this was enough for me (I hope). Chapter 4 should be up shortly and it will be a little longer and hopefully it won't take as long. 

PLEASE review!


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